Hello, good-bye

from the past

I have a journal…

A journal with many entries that reminds me of what happened in the past. Things that I wouldn’t be able to recall if I didn’t write it down. Little bits of all of the emotions that I have felt in the past can be felt again through the words that I have scribbled on one page to another.

Some entries have traces of tears on the pages as I wrote them with sadness. Some entries on the other hand has movie tickets and admission tickets glued on them as I went to these places with someone who accompanied me. People who I still talk to or… people who I no longer have interest in knowing about their existence.

It’s a very odd… being able to feel all the emotions at once as I sit here and read these entries.

밉다

사랑하지만… 오늘만은 너라는 사람이 밉다.

나를 잘 알고 있다고 하면서도 모르는 너가 밉다.

가끔 내 마음을 이해해주지 못하는 너가 밉다.

나보다 너의 자신의 감정을 내세우는 너가 밉다.

내가 가슴아프게 생각에 잠기게 놔두는 너가 밉다.

너가 하고 싶은 말만 다하고 사라지는 너가 밉다.

그런 너가 오늘은… 밉다.

Because you are you and I am me

The ability to meet someone’s expectations is difficult.

And not fulfilling the other’s needs ends up in disappointments.

No one in this universe deserves to live with disappointments.

No bird should be caged.

It’s not the right thing to do.

It’s unorthodox.

I have always lived with fears.

Fears of opening up to someone only to get hurt.

Fears of losing the person that I love.

Fears of being betrayed by someone that I trust.

Fears of repeating the same mistakes.

Tonight, I feel all of my fears at once.

I have never been so afraid in my life.

뒤돌아 보지 않을거라고 말해놓고

뒤돌아 보고 슬퍼해 하는 너라는 바보

쪼금 신경 써주지 않으면 서운해 하고

뭐라도 잘못했나 생각하는 너라는 바보

우리가 다시 만나게 되는 날 까지

우리 지금까지 해왔던것 처럼 하면

뭐든게 다 괜찮아 질거야

서로에게 할 수 있는 말이 있고

하고 싶어도 참아야 하는 말이 있는 나에게

하고 싶은 말을 다하는 너가 내 마음을

아프게 하고 그리고 슬프게 한다

너가 항상 ‘조급하다’ 라고 말할때 도대체 나는

너가 무슨 말을 하는지 이해를 할 수가 없었어

오늘 밤 그 조급함과 불암함이 나를 부른다

오늘 밤 그 조급함과 불암함을 나는 이해한다

너의 기억에서 잊혀지고 있는 것 같아서…

Rain

You could feel the moisture in the air — it was fall.

It was the type of air that you could feel by the beach: wet and sticky.

I could sense a rain storm forming somewhere close by.

A rainstorm waiting to be poured down and wash all the dirt away.

The type of rainstorm that brings back the refreshing and crisp air. 

I sat by the bench, waiting for that rain to wash away my tired soul.

Waiting for that rainstorm to wash away all my bad memories.

The memories that I hoped not to remember for the time that I have left.

The presence of children around me disappeared one by one.

And once again, I was alone. 

I was alone and waiting.